The Origins of Math

One day, Satan was walking through a forest. He came across a village hidden in the woods, and contained in this village was a happy group of secluded people. Satan then had the great idea to destroy the village and drive the residents insane. And thus, math was created.

            Math ravaged the land. It drove the lesser peasants to insanity and the brave became shriveling piles of madness. Throughout the village everyone spent hours upon hours factoring and slaving over math. One woman sat there as her eyes melted out of her very skull. Another boy sat there as all the knowledge he accrued split his head clean in half. But one day, a hero arose.

            A man found a way to harness the power of math and used it to cast Satan to the depths of hell. He became the hero of the town, teaching the peasants how to math. He became a king among men, and the little village branched out spreading their knowledge to neighboring towns. Everyone was happy and satisfied, and the hero ruled the land with an iron fist, which, for some reason the people liked. Kinky I guess. But that all changed when the fire nation attacked.

            The fire nation really didn’t do much, all they did was introduce letters to math. At first, people rejoiced, I mean, why not use letters? It started out with just ‘a’ and ‘b’ with the occasional ‘c’, but then one small boy used and abused this power. He began adding other letters of the alphabet! Towns were BURNING PEOPLE DYING OH THE HORROR. One lady ran outside and exploded! Just freakin’ exploded out of nowhere! Like, what’s up with that? But anyways, the letters created chaos and ravaged the land. Until a team arose and captured the essence of math, trapping the truly dangerous part of it. Another part still roams, but is deemed safe enough to use and only causes the occasional death of 80 or 90 college students during finals week. So I guess it’s kind of handled. And that, children, is how math came to be.